Holiday Gift Suggestions

Rene called today to tell me that Dave Barry put out his list of interesting Christmas gifts for this year. Some of my favorites are the hollow golf club that can be used as a urinal, the baby hanger, and the yard zombie:

The Uroclub

$24.95 plus shipping and handling from Matco, 866-999-4876, www.uroclub.org

Suggested by Steve Wallace of Colorado Springs, Colo.

Where do golfers go to the bathroom?

For years, we assumed that they used those little holes that you see scattered around golf courses. But it turns out that the holes have another purpose; namely, the golfer is supposed to hit the ball into them, although this rarely happens.

In fact, there are very few places on a golf course to go to the bathroom. This can be a real problem, because many golfers follow a strict hydration regimen under which they may consume as many as eight beers while they’re still in the parking lot. This can lead to a lot of pressure out on the course.

Well, golfers can rest easy now, thanks to the amazing UroClub. This is a fake golf club with a hollow shaft and an opening at the top. It comes with a towel that drapes over it, so the golfer appears to be toweling off the club when he is actually relieving himself.

Zombie Yard Sculpture

$89.95 plus shipping and handling from Design Toscano, 1400 Morse Ave., Elk Grove Village, IL 60007, 800-525-5141, www.designtoscano.com

Suggested by Derrik Filippo.

This is the gift for people who are tired of old boring traditional yard ornaments depicting gentle woodland creatures such as deer. This sculpture depicts a highly realistic Zombie of Montclaire Moors, who is climbing out of the earth to chow down on human flesh. Putting this sculpture in your front yard is an excellent way to let visitors know that you are either a really fun person or a psychopath.

The beauty of the zombie yard sculpture is that it’s portable, so you can easily move it to any location that you feel needs to have an emerging zombie. A children’s playground or a restaurant salad bar are two examples that come immediately to mind. You could also have a LOT of fun at a funeral.

Hug Me Pillow

$29.99 plus shipping and handling from Overstock, www.overstock.com

Suggested by Laura Seay of Austin.

This is the perfect gift to give when you want to send the heartfelt message: "You pathetic loser."

This is a pillow shaped like a human arm, complete with hand, attached to what looks like half of a human chest, so the whole thing looks like something rescue workers might find after a really bad gas explosion.

The Hug Me pillow appears to be marketed mainly for women. The idea is that, if a woman is feeling lonely, she can wrap the Hug Me pillow arm around herself and feel as though she is being cuddled by a loving and caring companion who is just like a real human, except that he has no head and is missing numerous key body parts. We think this is a fine invention and look forward to improved models that, in addition to hugging you, can snore. Then there would be no need for men at all.

Restroom Baby-Hanger

$69.99 plus shipping and handling from Mommysentials, LLC, Box 2507, Woodinville, WA 98072-2507, 877-878-2796, www.mommysentials.com.

Suggested by Kathleen Neary of Kensington, Md.

Say you’re carrying a baby and you need to use a public restroom stall. What do you do with the baby? Obviously you can’t leave the baby outside the stall, because there’s no telling what kind of sicko pervert or U.S. senator might be hanging around. But if you take the baby into the stall, what do you do with him or her?

The answer is, you suspend your baby from the stall wall, using this clever device. While you’re doing your business, your baby hangs there on the wall like a cute li’l mini-paratrooper, looking happy as a clam, if he or she is anything like the professional baby used in the promotional photos for this item.

We assume you could also use this product to suspend your baby from fences, cubicle dividers, art galleries, volleyball nets . . . anywhere you need to suspend a baby.

Gun-Shaped Egg Fryer

$7.98 plus shipping and handling from Amazon.com, www.amazon.com

Suggested by LaDawn Haws of Chico, Calif.

Sometimes we look at a product, and we think: "I would never have thought of that product in a million years without the aid of powerful narcotics." This is such a product. It’s a mold, made of stainless steel, that enables you to fry an egg in the shape of a pistol!

Why would you want to fry an egg in the shape of a pistol? We can think of hundreds of possible reasons. One is, you are insane. Or, an insane person is holding a real gun against your temple and ordering you to fry an egg shaped like a gun. Or, you simply want to make sure that nobody ever asks you to cook breakfast again. The list just goes on and on.

Pet Highchair

$59.99 plus shipping and handling from Target, 800-591-3869, www.target.com

Suggested by Annie Eitman of Moorpark, Calif.

Mealtime is usually very sad for dogs, because they are confined to the floor, like some kind of domestic animal or something, while the humans get to sit up at the table, where the food is.

But now there’s a solution, thanks to this highchair designed especially for pets. Now, dogs can sit at the table, just like people, except that most people outside of possibly Nick Nolte refrain from licking their private parts during meals. Think how festive meals will be with your dog sitting right there next to you, barking with happiness, scratching, and drooling into your lasagna.

Disaster Preparedness Activity Books

Free from FEMA Distribution Center, Box 2012, Jessup, MD 20794-2012, 800-480-2520, www.fema.gov

Suggested by Jon Harris of Christiansburg, Va.

The holiday season is all about fun for kids, and if there’s anything that will put a twinkle in a youngster’s eye, it’s a disaster-preparedness activity book from the American Red Cross and the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA). There are several titles available, including Ready . . . Set . . . Prepare!

Granted, this is kind of like saying "Ready . . . Set . . . Get Ready!"

But that is not the point. The point is that this is a fun book featuring the Disaster Crew, a group of ethnically diverse characters representing various disasters, including Snowy Singh, Rising Waters, "Quake" Johnson, Blaze Martinez, Tommy Twister, Stormy Knight and Johnny Hurricane. They explain the various kinds of disasters and present various entertaining activities such as the "Tornado Warning Scramble."

'Firm Grip’ Brand Butt Glue

$17.99 plus shipping and handling from The Queen’s Choice, 2059 Listravia Ave., Morgantown, WV 26505, 304-296-3294, www.queenschoice.com

Suggested by Matt Filar of Arcata, Calif.

If you have ever competed in the swimsuit-competition portion of a beauty pageant, then you know how annoying it can be when a sector of your swimsuit disappears into a bodily crevice, which is a mandatory 10-point deduction. For years, the only way to prevent this problem was a painful procedure involving staples.

But now there is a better way: "Firm Grip" spray-on buttocks adhesive. This is the same professional-grade buttocks adhesive used by all of your top beauty-pageant contestants, as well as 65 percent of the players in the National Football League. (Trust us: You do NOT want to know.)